Trump Thinks He's King of the World Now
Using "Blunt Force Diplomacy" to try and free his fellow crimies from accountability
“He thought he was the King of America.
Where they bought Coca-Cola just like vintage wine.
Now I try hard not to become hysterical.
But I’m not sure if I was laughing or crying…”
-Elvis Costello
Oh, what a noble global crusader Donald Trump has become—single-handedly defending the world’s most misunderstood strongmen from the tyranny of due process. Who needs pesky courts or independent judiciaries when you’ve got Truth Social and a 50% tariff in your back pocket?
Take his heartfelt defense of Benjamin Netanyahu, for example. According to Trump, the Israeli prime minister is being forced to “sit in a courtroom all day long” over—brace yourself—cigars and a Bugs Bunny doll. That’s right, folks. Never mind the bribery, fraud, and breach of trust charges that have been meticulously investigated and prosecuted since 2019. This is clearly nothing more than a Looney Tunes conspiracy. Trump, ever the legal scholar, has declared the charges to be “NOTHING” and wants the trial “CANCELLED, IMMEDIATELY.” You see, in Trump’s world, international diplomacy requires no courts, no ethics—just vibes.
And if you thought his Israel rant was peak statesmanship, buckle up for Brazil. Trump fired off a diplomatic love letter (via Truth Social, naturally) to Brazilian President Lula da Silva, warning him that unless the “Witch Hunt” against Jair Bolsonaro ends immediately, Brazil will face a 50% tariff come August 1. Because what better way to protect democracy than by punishing a sovereign nation for prosecuting a guy accused of trying to stage a coup and maybe assassinate his successor?
Naturally, Lula responded with the kind of adult-in-the-room clarity we’re not used to seeing anymore, reminding Trump that Brazil is “a sovereign nation with independent institutions.” But Trump, ever allergic to the concept of independence (especially judicial independence), seems to think America’s multibillion-dollar trade surplus with Brazil gives him a golden ticket to bully its legal system. After all, he’s just trying to protect another misunderstood populist hero—Bolsonaro, aka “Trump of the Tropics”—from the horrors of justice.
This isn't even subtle anymore. Trump is essentially offering legal sanctuary to any right-wing autocrat in the world, so long as they send nice gifts, live next to Mar-a-Lago, or say flattering things about him on television. In return, they get the full weight of U.S. foreign policy and the chance to appear in a future Truth Social post, likely written in ALL CAPS with words like “WITCH HUNT,” “INSANITY,” and “GREAT SUCCESS.”
Of course, this is all very on-brand. Trump’s own legal calendar reads like a Netflix crime doc binge: hush money felony conviction, defamation payout for sexual abuse, civil fraud judgments, and a couple of active indictments for good measure. So naturally, he sees prosecutions anywhere on Earth as personal attacks. If Bolsonaro and Netanyahu are on trial, then he’s on trial, and that simply won’t do.
And just in case there was any doubt about how serious he is, Trump is expanding his global tariff hit list like it’s fantasy football. The Philippines, Sri Lanka, Libya, Iraq—he’s got a tariff rate for everyone, depending on how much they annoy him or how much of a trade deficit he thinks they cause (whether the math checks out is entirely irrelevant). And don’t forget copper! Because nothing says “national security” like slapping a 50% tax on an industrial metal we import from the countries we’re now threatening to punish.
All of this would be laughable if it weren’t so consequential. Trump is transforming U.S. economic power into a political weapon, turning trade policy into a personal loyalty test, and reshaping foreign policy around the central question: “Are you nice to me and my friends?” If not, enjoy your tariffs. If yes, don’t worry about those indictments—Trump’s got your back, and possibly a commemorative Truth Social post to go with it.
So here we are: a foreign policy doctrine made up of wounded ego, economic extortion, and a deep fear of courtroom seating charts. What a time to be alive.
Ah yes, another banner week for the Art of the Deal™—now with more tariffs and fewer deals.
Fresh off the legislative high of slashing taxes and greenlighting a spending spree, the Trump administration boldly promised an era of fresh trade deals. And by “fresh,” they clearly meant “moldy leftovers reheated in chaos sauce.”
President Trump, never one to underplay his hand, galloped into the week threatening to slap a quaint little 50% tariff on copper-based goods—you know, just to spice up the global metals market and send prices to record highs. As if that weren’t enough economic wizardry, he hinted at 200% tariffs on pharmaceutical products, because what the supply chain really needed was a lobotomy.
Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent, ever the hype man, assured CNN viewers that trade deals were just around the corner. So close, in fact, they could almost feel the warm breeze of American economic leadership gently blowing past their unreleased press statements. “We’re sending 100 letters!” he crowed, like a toddler mailing glitter bombs. As of Thursday? A solid 22 letters sent. Most to trade juggernauts like Brunei and Moldova. Tremble, global markets.
But the real magic trick came with Brazil, a country with which the U.S. runs a surplus. Instead of citing boring things like economics, Trump took a more personal route—punishing Brazil because its president had the audacity to prosecute Jair Bolsonaro, Trump's buddy in authoritarian cosplay. The justification? “Witch hunt.” Because nothing says “coherent trade policy” like turning tariff threats into a loyalty test for indicted strongmen.
Naturally, Brazil responded with the diplomatic equivalent of “bring it on,” invoking the Law of Economic Reciprocity—which is Portuguese for “screw around and find out.”
So here we are again, with global markets sighing in exhausted disbelief as Trump resumes his favorite second-term hobby: injecting instability into a sluggish economy like it’s a performance-enhancing drug. Stocks wobbled, copper soared, and investors clutched their pearls, praying the 100-letter plan remains as vaporous as the infrastructure week that never was.
But don’t worry—J.P. Morgan assures us that maybe, just maybe, none of this will happen. Which, let’s be honest, is the most consistent thing about Trump’s trade strategy: empty threats in all-caps font, with an asterisk that says “subject to whims.”
Well, thank goodness the Trump administration has finally cracked the case of skyrocketing egg prices—and naturally, it’s all California’s fault. Forget bird flu, inflation, or supply chain chaos. No, the real culprit is a diabolical plot by California voters and their outrageous compassion for chickens.
According to the lawsuit, giving hens enough room to turn around or not be crammed into battery cages is the true economic crime of the century. Proposition 2, AB 1437, and that dastardly Proposition 12 are apparently the axis of evil here—laws passed by voters, which we all know is an egregious offense against national order.
Even better, the administration is now arguing that California’s attempts to regulate its own egg supply chain somehow violate a 1970s federal law, because if there’s one thing conservatives love, it’s strong centralized control over states’ rights—especially when California is involved.
Of course, the lawsuit didn’t bother to mention the minor issue of a massive avian flu outbreak that decimated egg-laying flocks nationwide. Why let science and disease disrupt a perfectly good political boogeyman?
Meanwhile, Governor Newsom’s office has responded with the appropriate level of mockery, joking that California will soon be blamed for everything from the fall of Rome to the extinction of dinosaurs. At this rate, don’t be surprised if California gets sued for the weather next.
In summary: hens need less space, states need fewer rights, and California needs to stop existing. Problem solved—egg prices fixed. Bravo, everyone.
Another glorious milestone for the Trump administration: setting a five-year record for immigration arrests while still managing to flub the whole “actually deporting people” part. ICE managed to detain nearly 30,000 people in June, which would be impressive if the deportation numbers weren’t lagging behind like a dial-up connection in 2025. Turns out, promising to deport “millions and millions” of people is a lot easier than actually doing it — who knew?
Even more ironic? President Trump is now trailing Obama — the man he loves to blame for everything from immigration woes to cloudy weather — in deportation averages. That’s right: Obama’s 2013 numbers make Trump’s look like amateur hour. Maybe the administration should bring back those “thanks, Obama” memes, but this time in gratitude.
And don’t worry about those tens of thousands of detained immigrants crammed into facilities built for 41,500 — the administration insists the conditions are “categorically false,” whatever that means. According to DHS, everyone gets meals, medical care, and all the warm fuzzy access to phones and laundry they could ever want. If you ignore the lawsuits and horror stories, it’s basically a resort.
Meanwhile, to compensate for this logistical masterclass, Trump has found a workaround: just deport people somewhere, anywhere — even if it’s not their home country. Thanks to a helpful Supreme Court ruling, the administration now has a license to practice geopolitical hot potato, relocating asylum seekers to “third countries” that drew the short straw.
And just in time for the holidays, ICE is getting a cool $45 billion boost from the “One Big Beautiful Bill.” So now the U.S. can afford to triple the number of people it detains while still struggling to actually deport them. Truly, a masterclass in bureaucracy with a side of human rights erosion.
But hey — mission accomplished, if the mission was to arrest as many people as possible, fill facilities past capacity, and still lose to Obama. Tremendous.
Well, it looks like the Trump administration has heroically changed its mind and decided not to go to bat for asbestos after all — how noble. Following what some might call “an outcry” (others might call it “basic human decency”), the EPA is backing off its plans to reverse the Biden-era ban on chrysotile asbestos — you know, that last legal strand of a known carcinogen still clinging to life in U.S. manufacturing like a relic from the 1950s.
At first, the EPA under Trump suggested, maybe we don’t need a full ban — how about we just throw some safety goggles and workplace signage at the problem and call it a day? After all, who hasn’t felt reassured knowing a chemical that kills 40,000 Americans a year is being handled by someone wearing gloves?
Of course, this all made perfect sense to industry lobbyists and exactly no one else. Even the Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization sued, not because the Trump team was too aggressive, but because they weren’t banning the stuff hard enough. Imagine doing something so half-baked that both industry and public health groups sue you, for opposite reasons.
After doing some soul-searching (read: PR panic), the EPA now says it won’t be rewriting the ban after all and is suddenly concerned about “interim workplace protections.” You know, the same workplace they were just fine letting fill with cancer dust a few months ago.
Meanwhile, public health advocates are left wondering what century they’re living in. As Linda Reinstein of the Asbestos Disease Awareness Organization put it: why are we still talking about “interim protections” when we should be talking about just getting rid of asbestos entirely?
But hey, kudos to the Trump administration for reading the room and realizing that “Let’s bring back asbestos” isn’t exactly a winning campaign slogan in 2025. Better late than never.
In a significant win for immigrant rights and constitutional protections, a federal judge in New Hampshire has once again blocked the Trump administration from implementing its controversial executive order aimed at denying U.S. citizenship to certain babies born on American soil. The decision by Judge Joseph Laplante, a Republican appointee, represents a positive turning point by creatively applying a Supreme Court exception that permits nationwide relief through class action lawsuits, despite the Court’s recent ruling limiting broad judicial injunctions.
By granting provisional class action status, the ruling protects potentially hundreds of thousands of newborns from losing birthright citizenship, reinforcing the 14th Amendment’s guarantees. The judge emphasized that denying citizenship represents “irreparable harm,” calling it “the greatest privilege that exists in the world.”
Immigrant advocates and 22 Democratic-led states applauded the outcome, noting it provides clarity and safety to families facing uncertainty under the Trump order, which was scheduled to take effect July 27. While the administration has vowed to appeal, the ruling underscores the enduring power of constitutional protections and judicial checks, even in the face of executive overreach.
I, for one, do appreciate your changed approach and humor in covering this clown show of an administration. Thank you.
Re tariffs , we penguins are feeling left out, when will we hear our fate?